Its been a while since my last blog . But now I have something to blog and talk about. As you know I get right into the subject at hand.
As you know supermarkets are cracking down on people not wearing a mask , and refusing people in.
And than there are folks like us with all kinds of disabilities hidden. And I saw a lot of bully and harassment over twitter and on fb . Because some of us can’t wear mask. Fyi why should we tell you why we can’t. Erm not happening.
Getting told. Stay home or online shop . Yeah cheers for that most of us like to see the food and what we having..most of us do an online shop everyone is different thats why tis a spectrum . Just because another autistic person can wear a mask does not mean another person can .. can we not compare here . It really grates the shit out of me. Even when I say hey I have ptsd . And some un educated A 🕳 says it only bangs.. and other shit . Well no its more than that.
Oh also when I was doing ma lockdown modelling with ma friend he is part of ma support bubble. We got stopped by police. And asked what I was doing. Well I am working ie a model with Autism. Who has a blog. And in current climate because us peeps are not good with change due to rona and everything being different. We have to adapt and I know most can’t..its a reason why I workout so much because my mind is elsewhere . Much as I like keeping fit. It stimulates my asd/adhd brain. Also most folk don’t have friends we don’t do if we being honest here and dont have that support bubble to go to.
Not everyone can be in my situation and have the odd pal here and there. Yes my bestie is all the way up in Scotland. But i am going of track. Back to the police situation they did leave us alone. I mean they can’t arrest me for working on a blog eh.
Also next one .. shops cracking down on the masks 😷 . I seen videos circulating the web . And people with hidden disabilities being refused. Or bullied as I put it ..ive had no problems yet . Touch wood. I want to leave you some hard based evidence and a gov official thing thats says your exempt from wearing a mask and you do not need to show proof etc.
Just show them these things and get it recorded as it is discrimination.
Anyway folks if you have any problems. You know i am on twitter welcome to DM me.
This is me not moaning about a situation you / me or anyone else can control.
My life has changed somewhat ( like most) last year I was in gym , going to auditions having test shoots being on film sets. This year I workout from home..had hardly any jobs S.A / Modelling.
I’ve quit two memberships another today called mandy . I am paying £15 a month and not getting work. And yes ovbs the rona.
I cant pay out for things when I am not getting work. I don’t know what the future holds for my S.A work or modelling.
Before you jump at me . I did do normal jobs before I was diagnosed asd. But I could never cope or I be in and out of jobs ( hense why my o.t thinks I have adhd too. )
I got into modelling by accident though my extra work. And its bloody hard work but I love it. Its the longest I’ve stuck at a job . And been doing it over 4 years. Plus having my photographer since 2019 to update profiles.
I dont know about my current work in the summer I am doing no one has said nout. I am an optimistic person but I have to see It for what it is. Could be my modelling and S.A work be over. I have to face facts sooner or later. Considering I am paying into all these things like memberships.. and a photographer..I invest a lot in me.
But I can’t invest something i get nothing out from. Like I say we are all in this same boat. I’ve just had a lot to think about over Xmas.
Maybe I should just save until the time is right.. we all know nothing is ever going back to normal. And the virus is not going to walk off and grow 2 legs.
I have to think of me and money. And spend it wisley..I can’t keep living on the oh yea it might happen soon.
I dont have money to fritter and I don’t live in luxury. Yes small percent on the dole. Do live like they fritter it.
Since the prime age of 26 i stopped celebrating all things Christmas or anything that feels materialistic.
Being a Buddhist the best of 12 years now and though a Buddhist master teaching me many wonderful things. Everyone is different and I am not here to judge you even if you do celebrate it. But for me as a person and Buddhist.
I don’t need or want new things ,I even hate people buying me stuff ( most of that is down to ptsd , that’s another story )
I am quite happy i am living got people around me and that i have this roof over my head . Its more than what most people have..yes if you have kids. Fair enough.
Did I treat my cats. Yes 8 tins of wet food but that’s all. It don’t mean I am a scrooge or a bah humbug most religious people don’t celebrate it either..but my buddhism is a way of life and spritual.
I hate the people who take photos of what they got or all the presents under the tree. Its a competition to see who has more and is better..fml get some common sense.
From my experience as a child at Christmas we never had much money. After da came out the army and than mum left. Da had to bring up 3 kids on his own and he had 3 jobs.
I was quite happy having 1 or 2 as a child or nothing. P.s not getting at anyone who spoils there said kid (s) . I am a different generation who was bought up to be thankful for even 1 present. Its the age old saying its the thought that counts.
Our Christmas as a child was watch films, play board games. And just enjoy everybody around you. Thats were my values lye. Even before i became buddhist. My exs and ma mother would drag me into the whole Christmas sprit as I got older.. and I hated the false facade. And when I got to 26 I thought fuck this. And never did anything after that.. every Xmas I meditate and chant to buddha eat unhealthy things and go for a walk.
I am Happy on ma ones with cats just doing fook all and being happy for what I have.
Hi I thought I start this of with something that caught my eye in the paper.
A women who was battling anorexia..died at 24. She was a German women. Who been battling it for sometime.
My point is , I know there are models that are airbrushed out flaws taken out etc. When I got into modelling and before I got signed I was rejected for not being a size 6 etc and because I have lean muscle and I have a pear shaped figure it was not deemed as model like.
I got into this hard industry as me for me..flaws and all and no editing to the max. Thats why I love ma photographer she does edit but keeps in my freckles curves and no airbrushing..I am me.
Also being a model who is asd is another reason I wanted to break into this hard industry.
I don’t want girls/ boys feeling they have to look up to models in magazine etc. Because there over used and airbrush to the max. And it creates a body dismorpher in these young teens.
Even in my fitness on my instagram I don’t say eat this and that. Fitness is based mainly around food and having a body of a god due to these aesthetic people on instagram..I have always stated I like working out for me and me only..I don’t have a really strict diet I eat 4 meals a day.. but I still in enjoy the so called bad foods.
Instagram / magazine are promoting body aesthetic that people are never going to achieve. Unless you have pt etc.. I quite frankly don’t want abs or to ripped I don’t. Yes I have lean mass and my curves I love it.
I model for me & Asd . And I am no oil painting but I enjoy what I do. And in all my photos its a general representation of me.
You tell someone your a model they think your up yourself and superficial . I am neither..I always mention that in post. I was gobsmacked to be signed. Because I rejected so many agencies due to them saying be a size 6 not a 10 and lose your muscles. I don’t care how much you pay me. Its not going to happen. My health is important and the representation I give to people who follow me.
Be you and fuck everyone else.
In this world if you eat to much your the F word..if you don’t your too skinny..if you lift weights as a women your a man ..if your a man whom lift weights your have an ego ( ok some)
You can not win in this dog eat dog World. If your a young person or a teen or someone who’s older ..please love yourself for you. No matter what your size etc.
Social media is toxic for body perfect even influencers ..on the YouTube.
Be you and look after no1. You can find my modelling page on Instagram at alternative_androgynous
I am a real model with real flaws. And I don’t give a fuck ..my teeth are not perfect. I am a size 10 and curvy and I really don’t give a shit..on this whole body perfect aesthetic shite
So I belive in everything happens for a reason and my o.t has been pulling everything out the bag. And going backwards and forwards and the lengths she will take to get me help and support.
I spoke to her yesterday. You know that shit i had with the electrician and lack of communication and they not phoning also turning up early letting me down twice. Well she has managed to get them to do it all in one morning on the 13th January and she is coming out to be with me when it’s being done. I am actually amazed by this women. Also so is going to get me enhanced pip also which I should of got in the first place.
And like i say currently waiting diagnosis assm for adhd which she had now put me on a priority list..this o.t has done more for me than any supposed other services that are to help me but don’t and choose not to because I won’t cough up money I don’t have. I have no magic wand or can pull it out ma arse.
Also gp got me a social prescriber but there not specialist like my o.t I even mentioned it on phone yesterday to her. So she said give me there number and I speak to them.
Its taken 4 years and now I have someone on my side who will fight tooth claw and nail for me. Which I never had in the first place. Telling my o.t how much I approf her help and sorting things out for me has been a blessing. She said she won’t leave me until I got right support enhanced pip etc.
So hoping 2021 is going to be a good year. But tis nice to have someone fight my corner and actually give a fuck. O.t’s are god sends they really are
You know the last 4 years of doing this fighting shit for actual support from adult social services. Well I been ignoring them. For sometime now.
As they want to give me a financial assessment but we all know this contribution thing is not going to change or go away. Its not. And I can’t be dealing with it to be told yet again I need to cough up money I don’t have.
Because if I had it. I would not be peddling this along for 4 years and saying I don’t have the money because I fucking don’t. I can’t be asked with the wanted added stress from these people. I just want to be fucking left alone like they have done to me in the first place anyway.
I have been ignoring there texts as I am not equipped mentally to deal with there bullshit and as for the unqualified social worker she can get fucked too. Also phoning me todays as me per telling her I can’t speak on the phone. And the cunt rings to me find out if I got them texts blah blah. Yes I did not bothering.
I’m not going to sit though another stressful waste of my time financial assessment again. I know the outcome so do they.
And yes as per title of this would say I am inbetween meh and fuck it and holding myself together by sellotape.
My only decent worker i have is my o.t and she is wonderful. She gets me understands me bares no judgement of me. I like that a lot
As for everything else it can go to fuck. Me + stress does not go at all and its a deadly combination which I hate anyone to see an angry side to me because I don’t like that side of me. I don’t like confrontation either.
You knew this blog was coming.. so here it goes , this is my view on what I think and my opinion on it.
I am not an actor but an S.A that means supporting artist ie I do roles for backgrounds on films ie being an extra. I can only relate partially to this but also being someone on the spectum. And being a model whom is autistic.
Sia said she did her research but she did it with autism speaks which is basically the worse people you can go to for autism research. But they say in twitter they never did help with the film Music. I smell bullshit. As these people want to cure autism . And a lot of other shizzle.
The major of twitter who have supported sia said oh other actors have played Autistic people. Yes they have does not mean we agree with this. Like Freddie highmore who plays shaun in the good doctor as a savant syndrome autism surgeon. Don’t get me wrong. His a great actor but I would prefer an autistic actor. And there has been many non neurodivergent actor play neurodivergents . Just because I watch these does not mean I can agree..thats like an abled body person like myself playing a person with disabilities ie M.E etc . That would be insulting and ableist to do so. I can never feel or think what people go though with chronic illness or ME / MS . My bestie has ME. And when we talk over the phone she is always in some sort of pain ..I can only be compassionate. But I can’t put myself in her mind / body and shoes. I can’t say I feel what your going though because I don’t. And I wouldn’t anyway.
Moving on … another thing that pissed me off was. When sia mentioned special abilities. That ableist right there. The challenges me and others face on a daily basis. From sensory as noise/ taste/ smell. Its like superman but worse. My so called special abilities don’t make my life easier and its not feckin magical. I even hate the word disorder in ASD. Having both Asd/ adhd . They both argue with one another. One wants to be neat and tidy and in routine..the other wants to impulse buy and be chaos and not sleep blah blah and its very hard dealing with both.
Next one… Maddie ziegler , I don’t blame her . Being sia’s goddaughter she has been moulded you could say. No i have not watched interviews on it or anything. Sia even said she casted a person on the spectrum but it got too much for them.. well there are plenty out there with lower needs and are actors. Ie kayla Cromer/ taila grant .. there are more i just don’t have the list in front of me right now. I feel this movie was rushed and because maddie being the goddaughter of sia she just thought fuck it..not even trying only with one said person on the spectum.
Moving on to me .. I as you know was diagnosed 2017 with asd . I have struggled all my child / adult life and still do but I manage it better. I am arc welder by trade but due to sexism and comments I left said job. I have been in and out of jobs all my life and never kept at one. Like my o.t said having the adhd too that was part and parcel of the reason I was like that I got bored easily and I love a challenge but nothing ever challenged me job wise.. 2017 I decided to take up S.A work glad I did as I’ve been in a lot of TV/ films etc.. it was a struggle it was and it was scary but the thing I enjoy about it . Is the make up the costume being on set.. i have always said to my agency ..I don’t want to be treated as special because I have asd. And they never have ..they only give me a room to myself and lots of coffee and biscuits and thats fine with me. I have grown more confident in S.A work but I do have meltdowns I do find sometimes I need down time on set but I always look in my mirror when on set and big myself up. And meditate but sometime it never works like that and I crumble into a mess.
But I have people on set who are so understanding of ma challenges .. there has been times I’ve turned up to studio and walked out again because sensory goes and its all to much.
Also being a model which I also started around the same time. I broke into the industry and its taken me 4 years..I was published in a magazine 2019 for being a model with autism. It was in inspiration story I won. Than I was published in an art gallery in Berlin Germany on brexit and my nothing great about Britain tattoo ( slowthai album) and it was not overnight i worked hard and everyday I rejected etc . And with autism I wanted to give a voice for others who maybe wanted to model or do something else ..I wanted them to look at my blog my story and how I overcame getting this with autism and the things I face everyday..I get emails from parents/ teens / adults. Saying I have gave them confidence. And inspired them..I mean I don’t know how one would take that.. not great at taking compliments..I mean its very endearing it is . But I am just someone on the spectum finding everyday hard but I get though it as best as I can.. working out has helped me a lot I love exercise but tis more for the simulation of my brain ..as it never switches off and it likes to be challenged . But like a spectum no 2 people are the same. And what I may find easy they may hard. Higher support needs.
If something could come out this blog it would be.. casting directors film makers ..please hire more people on the spectum in film/ modeling you name it. We are here.
I tell you. Well yesterday for the first time I spoke about my sexual abuse. Yes some people know . But telling a whole lot of people that for me in its self was healing process to share my story.
I don’t want to be know as a survivor( no offence to anyone whom has been though the same ) but I think life is survival itself in many aspects. I don’t think I really survived. Because I still live though certain trauma related to what I went though.
If I survived than I would still not be going though the past events of trauma and the things that trigger my ptsd off. That’s why I call it healing.
Healing is part of the trauma stage..its like the same wound you pick at and its scabby as fuck and than it scars . Like they say time is a healer. And if it takes one person 1 month/ 1 years eons does it matter ? Just because one person is going though similar to me don’t expect us to heal at the same time.
You heal in your own time and forever how long it takes. It is all about you anyway.
I can say its taken me 4 years to heal and get here and actually talk to my blog / world / followers because it was on my terms. And thats how it should be for you , I and anybody.
Your terms & healing are your boundaries. If you want space to heal that wound so be it. Don’t be that arsehole and be in that person face / space . We can heal alone its not a bad thing. Don’t take it the wrong way.
Getting back to me ..yes 4 years there is no timeset frame. I am better than I was before. But I still have my issues. Just because someone is healing or better does not mean there healed and dandy and full of rainbow’s and shit white rabbits. And thats the honest truth.
Healing is about being better / healthy coping mechanism / the ability to say no / getting rid of people who don’t serve you ie being bad for you in a negative impact way. The more healing you do the more it becomes clearer and you separate yourself from ooo I don’t like the feel of that or that person is not good for me.
Imagine a mountain and to get to the top you have to heal.. no one fully gets to the pin point of that mountain. Because in reality no one is 100%.
Healing is letting go of old and taking on new. You become a better version of you . You not changed you have improved. Im still me with the rough edges but vast improvement. Work on yourself be that in fitness health mindset whatever. Be it getting a new job etc the world is your oyster..stop taking a back seat for others. You are no1 you are a priority and you owe you ..and thats not selfish ..if people can’t understand your why.. than those people are not you people.
If you have a support system be that family/ friends a dog or cat etc . Its support. Than there you people/ animals support.
For me if I hear one thing of negative or someone says ive changed I cut them off. Its not what I want in ma life..I need people whom have my back and are cheering me on from the sidelines.. negative people will always have something to say . And will always say things you don’t want to hear or say it just opinion. Have an opinion but if someone’s is trying to heal and improve and move forward that opinion is going to set them back to square 1 ..you need to be like that’s great etc.. but yes not everyone is built like that and that’s why you need to bin these people.
Have friends that heal with you too . I mean agree to disagree on other stuff like clothes bfs / gfs / music all sorts but not when your person is healing. You need to be that cheerleader.
With me i started staying away from people that did negative me in a way..and I cleared out most fb friends..Instagram. everything is private and under lock and key . Its the same with social media i hardly tweet back on things because social media is a toxic world.. I share memes and other stuff.
Seeing as this is my blog based on me and my daily life experiences. Well I also have ptsd. As I go Into this. I repeat I do not want a pity party or sympathy I am strong minded these days. Yes I have the odd shit show days plus on top of others.
I was diagnosed with ptsd at the age of 10 . Long story short I was abused ( sexually ) by a family friend ( baby sitter ) apparently I was 6 when it first started & stopped around 8 . I kind have erased it.
Also my mother left 1 week after the abuse happened. Well left i say she abandoned me and my brothers. Moving on.. i went off the deep end. Because that happening and mum sodding off well. My da did try his best not his fault ( I mean like stopping me going off the rails ) I stopped going to school and left in year 8. I did drink and drugs and other shizzle. My da moved back to Ireland when I was 16 and I went to Yorkshire made a life for myself. But that’s another story.
16 years old i met my ex ex gf ( with her on / off 5 years) from Wellingborough. I met her at a house party. The rest was history. But she was an alcoholic. I lived with her for a about 1 year but it was not what I wanted.. she would verbally abuse me . Like I say thats in the past blah blah.
So when I moved here northampton 2011 . Around 2014 I met my ex ex gf . I thought she was wonderful at first. Don’t get me wrong she said she drinks cool so did I ( at the time) . And yes after that and a 2nd date we got together. I think mid way though 4 months. She started to become controlling, drinking more than what she let on . Than I find out she’s a druggie. Yes I dabbled in it but not as bad as her. ( clean from everything now me I mean )
But the verbal abuse turned in physical abuse. The first time she hit me..I was scared because at the time I was 6st and half skinny. She was stronger. Than her alcoholic mother would give me abuse too verbal.
It even got bad some nights that I would call people to pick me up..and me being dumb and under her control. I went straight back to her. Her drinking got more . Her controlled ways got even more..I was not allowed friends and if I did I and to delete them. I was told what to wear..everything . Truth be told before I met her my ptsd was at a healing stage.. than meeting her made it worse. I don’t know why I never left her I don’t know and why it took me 2 years to actually leave . Yes I dumped her via text and wrote a long essay of how much of a cunt she was ..excuse ma French.
I was even picking her drugs up for her at the time I had a motorbike. I would pick up drugs for her from dealers.
I glad I got the fuck out of it to be honest. Yes I had other relationships but the women I attracted seem to have more baggage and Ryanair . Yes I have issues and I am bit fucked up I admit that. But the women I attracted were users / bunny boilers .
Yes I had brife stint in 2017 and slept about maybe it was my way of coping and dealing.. but I sort of got my shit together now.
Reason why I took a vowel of celibacy on 2018. I been a Buddhist 12 years now and doing that made me go further into it. I’ve stayed away from women in all sense and relationships since 2018 . Plus coming out Asexual has opened my eyes. Because I never did it enjoy it and it was like paint waiting to dry.
Honestly I don’t think I could ever be in a relationship again . On how far its taken me to get here . Ie be sober happy healthy healing my ptsd again.
Not taring everyone with the same brush but for my own peace of mind I can’t go though that again I think it will tip me over the edge.
I am an open book and I have chose to speak about this on my terms being it my blog.. but don’t give me pity party or sympathy . I know you mean well but its in the past. Hense why people are getting at me for not wearing a mask now you know. I hate the R word)
Today I was on my first session with my occupational therapist. We had a video call.. we talked about my struggles and what I get upto ie daily routine etc and my shitty anxiety.
She asked me 15 question on this adhd questionnaire. It went for about 30 mins that part but session was 1hr 30 mins approx. It turns out I have very very strong traits of adhd. Yes there is a long length waiting list. I know this due to autism diagnosis. She says the reason my anxiety is bad is the adhd. Plus why I can’t get tasks done or my concertation span is shit its a lot of complex things and I can’t really explain it in this blog. And now I know why I had many different jobs never stuck at anything avoid things because it was too much for ma brain adhd wise. Its not me being lazy Its my adhd ..try as I might. Me doing 5 different tasks and than not completing any. Why I intrupt people speak over . And why my mind goes for a wander. It all bloody makes sense now.
Also this lovely O.T of mine is helping me get enhance pip..so when rona does ease down I can pay for me to go to the center on my own accord. I have given up with the council now. I am starting a new chapter..I am not going to kill myself over the likes of NBC. And my O.T has shown me my worth. Also she has told me to try cbd edibles not the thc ones ovbs. For my anxiety. My bestie is sourcing out good ones for me.
Also another eye opener for me is my working out all the time..yes the aspect of me being in routine autism but the adhd side is me being very hyperactive which helps subside the adhd Ie make me less hyper. And she said that’s a good a thing. I feel I have learnt so much in one session. And its nice to have someone on my side and give me what I need and deserve. Its well and truly breath taking. And me wee brain is going to take a while to process it all.
I can’t re write what has gone on in the past due to the adult social services & Council but I have a blank page and start again. This women has saved me and just open another Pandora box