I don’t think this is talked about enough, only from what I’ve seen on reddit.
See I am a go between of being very good with money to being of fuck it. I buy it anyway. Welcome to Klarna / PayPal credit ( thats one not too bad ) Laybuy/Clearbuy.
The things I buy more of are clothes. Fyi I save for tattoos. Some people drink, some people do drugs others do smoking.
I do tattoos and the clothes. I have got better with money. I got rid of my tele 3 years ago. Decided to redecorate my living room over 1/2nd lockdown went minimalist. Also my worse spending is klarna. And I have decided when I pay both bills at end of month I am deleting it.
I have to say no. And put my foot down and have ago at me. Also i am not one for high tech new phones etc. Having the same phone for 3 years on a sim only contract at £16 a month. And a 2nd hand Samsung s9 , phone does me fine. I want another second hand one but I just can’t afford it outright. If it comes to ma phone dying than yeah. I will have to. Same with my Dr dre beats I brought them brand new 3 years ago. You can get them for £150 now they cost me £399 when they first came out..but I was working as a model/ extra than. Also with my laptop thats five years old. Still going.
I have even made a choice as much as I love my hairdresser. Its too expensive. I understand since lockdowns x3 they have to up prices but I am not paying £45 every 8 weeks. I found a mobile barber for £25 i am hoping i can get him every 8 weeks. But yeah I do have an impulsiveness to just buy for buying. Last night I brought a hybrid kilt and got it on PayPal like a dickhead. Its cheap from Pakistan. And I only pay like £10 month so its not too bad.
If I could get rid of klarna sooner I would but I can’t till both bills are paid at end of month.
Everything is cashless at the moment and not everyone takes money. And me having a debit card of £750 of overdraft. No I have never spent it. I think of the worse thing possible like not having a roof over me head. And being homeless and my cats having to go to a shelter. So yes that Stops me and it helps belive it or not.
I am trying to get better with money. I mean the best thing I spent my money on was a deposit for a coach holiday to lake district on the 26th June. That be paid by 20th April. Can’t wait tobe honest.
I know there are other ADHD folk who have got into debt so much due to the impulsive of spending. But like a horse I am reigningit in now.
Thanks for reading, and I be back for another blog soon.
So I’ve been keeping quiet about things and what I have been upto. Ie with my OT. Like life goals blah blah.
And as you know I am a fitness freak despite pre existing medical problems ( scoliosis & cf ). I don’t like to jinx myself. But on a positive note. You know I am doing a course on level 2 personal exercise health and nutrion. Next year if my OT . Can find the right support for me and the right course I will be doing level 2 gym instructor. Than if and when I pass that I be going on to do a PT course. But she needs to find a grant for that.
The reason why this is all happening next year is because I have a lot on. From getting my adhd diagnosis / medication and my OT getting me high rate pip. So I can have access to this day centre oncea week.
I have noticed my passion and high interest for fitness..since learning it about myself 4 years ago. It was trial and error on food / and workout. And I eventually learnt more about the nutrition side. Way before I started this online course. I as a person use old style bodybuilder methods. And I do high reps light weights and I occasionally lift heavy. Weight training has totally changed me and myself and my outlook on life. And I want to do these other courses and help others. Its not a one size fits all..what will work for me. Will not work for you.
I eat junk food in moderation. Being happy and healthy is great but if you restrict yourself from the junk food completely. You will develop unhealthy habits and eating disorders. Ie crash diets, fad diets. I am a pescatarian because I want to be. Not because I am vegan / veggie or otherwise. I eat both vegan / veggie.
Also I love my size and I don’t wish to have an ripped body aesthetic etc. And I know folk who work bloody hard to get there but that’s not for me.. i am lass with a small waist and big hips and some body fat and lean muscle and I love it.
Be happy and healthy in your body be who you want to be..don’t feed of the fitness influencers etc. If you have a goal be that muscle building/ fat loss great. But become a better version of you. For yourself and no one else.
If I met my younger self back than , and I could tell me that I was on the spectrum ( asd/adhd ) I think my life would have been a little easier and I may have had more support.
But I can’t go back in time and I can’t change it. And I believe everything happens for a reason. I was like many others. Who went of the radar, labeled a naughty child with behavior problems. No one is to blame. My vaccine never caused it. Bad parenting never caused it. It was born in me.
I like many others was classed as the weirdo , the alien like one. Who was unique the loner. The quiet one and shy one.
I went undiagnosed for much of my childhood & adulthood. I never done well in school , I left in year 8 , went to numerous schools and ended up at a behaviour school, I was under many school psychologist , speech therapist, I went to many different things. I can’t remember what they were. I had many social workers. I was taken out of class for 2 hours and driven to a place where I would play and talk, that went on for a number of years.
I started acting up, weather that was me masking I don’t know. I would do drink and drugs get into trouble. Be truant. My mental health spiralled when I got to 15 , I moved to Yorkshire prior. Got my first job. In Morrisons, I was a catering assistant. Lasted 3 months. Went on to a bar job lasted less than 3 weeks. Went to college did a diploma in photography. How I passed I don’t know. As I was heavy drinking. Heavy drugs. I had my first break down at 18. Went to the doctors. Got told I had on going ptsd from when I was a child. As I never delt with it. Hense the drink and drugs. That also I was self harming at 15 onwards till I was about 22. I had bouts of depression ptsd / self harming. Suicidal thoughts. I finished college . I was in Yorkshire 3 years. Before I moved back down to Kent. There i was still drinking and partying. I had my 2nd break down . Got told 2 years into living there not to work I was signed off permanently.
I met a lass there i was with her 3 years. She had drug problems and with that being said I did more drugs. Moving on to 2011. I split with her 2012. A year after of living in Northampton. Went to my doctors again. I got told I should see someone at Campbell House. 2013. I was diagnosed ( misdiagnosed ) BPD . I took many anti depressants. Psychosis drugs beta blockers etc. I was on all these till 2015 , ovbs I met my ex ex who caused my ptsd to rear its head. I met her in 2014. Was with her till 2016. You know the story.
I stopped taking all them drugs I was put on. Around 2015 , I hated feeling zombie like , and sleeping. I felt lazy and hated the side effects I came off these with not telling the doctor.
2016 , I’m free of my abusive ex ex. I went of the rails as you know. Drinking , random sex with people. Yeah never handle that well either. I went into self destruction mode. I decided after that I would seek a diagnosis for Asd. I got fobbed off first time around. Than I started researching it more and the traits joining groups on fb , talking to other people. Went back to the doctors. You know the story on that too, come 2017 , at 31 I was diagnosed ASD . And another battle reared its head. For support and help. Which took me 5 years and I just had enough of the fight. And fighting.
Come 2021 16th March, I was diagnosed adhd , also prior to 2020 , I was given a wonderful OT . Whos fighting every battle for me. And on my side.
To get here and the proper diagnosis has been a long hard fought battle, as you can tell from everything I have put in here.
Like i say I can’t turn back the time and I can’t change how it was. But the main thing is I have been given the right diagnosis. And have great support now. 10 year old me knew that i was different in many ways and yes I may have been the alien like loner. But I would not be the person I am today. If I told 10 year old me what would be different in life.
Life is forever teaching you. And being autistic is in me and was born within me. And it will always be a part of me.
Different not less. Re wired and a different operating system.
So today , I got my months mixed up thinking she was coming on 30th April not it was today.
Partly her fault as she forget to send me a reminder lol 😆. Happens I guess.
But moving on , she told me more about my asd / adhd , how it effects me in different ways to how I process things etc , most of it i already knew but the rest was like ooo I never knew that, we talked about how she could help me with the social anxiety and the anxiety. And how long the wait list it for getting blood test/ physically exam etc. To getting on the medication it self.
To a range of others things to once I get on it , having a liver disease ie GS , they have to be careful on what they put me on. So when it does get to that. They will see how I will react to. Like I say trial and error.
She is going to try and get me back on my Vit d medication too. And also a higher pip rate. I told her I’m not ready to go back to work yet . But I do want to do a gym instructors course if I can. And if we can work on getting me that. Should I want to return to work I will have that if and when I do it.
I can’t remember anything else said in the meeting as my brain is mush mush. From processing all the information , but my next appointment is 29th April.
But I keep you updated on the adhd med process etc.
Anyway I’m going to enjoy the sunshine . Even though I’m slightly burnt..welcome to being irish 🤣
I am person who forever thinks , I either over think or my brain does not shut off.
I am all about change for good and growth. Which I have been doing the last 5 years. From starting this small blog , to being a model and an S.A (extra). To telling more people no and to feck off.
My part of growth for me , was quitting modeling, quitting extra work. It was mentally exhausting. And it costs to. From the portfolio I had. I never regretted it at all. I was just heading for change. Maybe being in first lockdown made me think. And I knew that I just want to spend more time on me. And not in that industry anymore.
Than being alcohol free for 1 year and 1 month. And I have never felt more better. I was medicating with alcohol to mask and to become this social butterfly I was not. Plus having a heredity liver disease did me no favors either.
Also I was a gym bunny when I did go to the gym , I was up at 6:30 3 x a week. I am actually happier working out from home. Because in the gym you argue over the equipment and shiz . I do miss the treadmill and exercise bikes. May have to save up and get an exercise bike.
Also I was isolated before covid anyway. I just went on random day trips or weekend trips somewhere. I do miss that.
I think fighting for support over the last 5 years due to ASD diagnosis. I’ve got mentally stronger. Even though I have my dip days. Also got to the point where I don’t really care anymore or give a shit. I just don’t.
If you want to leave than leave , if you want to stay than stay. But I will never force anyone. If I feel your no good for me. Than I will walk and I will tell you.
I’m just not up for drama and the toxicity of people that being social media too.Deleting the fb was a god send. I use insta for my fitness or asd / adhd etc. And my blog goes though twitter.
Like I say a lot has changed in the last 12 months. And I feel better for it. I mean lockdown has the upsides and the downsides.
Having the adhd diagnosis also. But I’m just waiting to be put on my meds and however long it takes my psychiatrist to send said letter to doctors for my physical exam and than for my blood test..tis a sodding waiting game. As my doctor is useless and no offence to psychiatrist but his very disorganised too.
He called it a working diagnosis due to not having enough evidence on my said childhood. Which I physically can’t get at. As ma mother left when I was 8 ( so she have no clue ) and my da his in America. He knows my childhood but its hard to reach and get at.
But a working diagnosis is just as good as a diagnosis itself. I will be going on medication. It going to take a few months as I’ve got to go for a physical examination like M.O.T and blood tests. So they know what medication to put me on. And how my brain will react to said medication. Like I said its trial and error.
The ball is rolling at least. I’ve been referred to a nurse prescriber also. My OT is visiting me on the 30th April for an hour and half. My report will come in 3 weeks. I think he said I had combined type. But I missed what he said.
I’m hoping when I get the said medication/ stimulates . I can focus more and finished books and many other things. And hoping to taking up gaelic language again. Due to focus and getting bored and zoning out I never completed 15mins a day of it.
So anyway I leave this here and keep you more in the know. When I get closer to the medication stage.
I don’t normally blog this much, but I want to say thanks for listening to me within the last 24hrs and being a venting box and my blog diary.
I deleted the fb app today. I am not posting anymore. My cats fifi and fudge will be taking over instagram ( photos of them) and fifi or fudge or both having a comments and updates on me. I still post my workouts on my instagram stories. But none of me till after the 12th April when I finished my 5 week results.
I still have fb in browser . But no posting no commenting nothing, as for twitter it being my social hub for my blog and everything asd / adhd / ptsd and other things of interest i will only interact with said things. Or the odd hello etc.
Being a Buddhist my energy was hurt after 24hrs and also being on the spectrum its mentally exhausting and draining. What I endure. Having the brain I have.
I am restoring my my aura , praying and chanting to buddha even more. Its taken me 5 years to get here and be like 80% and peace with me. And thats taken a lot.
I don’t ever want that hurt again. Too much toxicity for my liking. I am happy if you want to be my pal. But when you bring in reviews and demands like its a contract. No thank you. I take you for you. Do the same for me.
I’m not at a loss at all. I have this saying I only come around once. And I am gone for good.
I am speaking to everyone when I say this . If no one can’t accept your flaws or human error there not your people. They may held the cards. But you can spin it on its head and you can walk away and end things. And I mean in friendships and relationships etc. Never ever let anyone manipulate you and control things.
I have been there in abusive relationship and now an ex friendship. Its not healthy and its not good and it can cause you more harm than good the longer you stay in it.
Build your own foundations and be the architect of your life. You speak up and walk when you say so.
I call mine the great the escape. Think about it if I stayed in that friendships and let it pan out. It would be a worse outcome.
Much as I love being a Buddhist and peace and somewhat postive. Don’t take me for a mug.
I do not want anymore new friendships I don’t. I’m too old and too tired.
Let me be in peace and at peace. And come on her for my readers & subscribers.
Well I am going to leave this here . I have my O.T phoning on the 16th . I am still at a lost about this adhd diagnosis as the dude who’s doing not got back to me. And I’ve left 5 voicemails .
I’ve slept it on and had a long ole think. And I’m asking myself why am I to fully blame for all of this. When I’m not.
I wrote about her before in said blog which I’ve erased of course and her being a university. And she said because my wording was not accurate and well worded ( yes she said this ) knowing i have dyslexia.
She knows the only way I can express myself is though this said blog. Also she thought that she caused my ptsd depression . And never gave me time to explain. She did not, I thought her having ptsd she would understand this. Clearly not.
And when she said I need to review our friendships like a TripAdvisor thing. Thanks but no thanks. I’m not going be held at gun point so to speak. Because I made a wording error.
She talks about manipulating behaviour and here she is doing it to me. By saying let me reviews things. And making me apologise for a wording error.
From someone who tells me they understand me completely. Which in this case they don’t. I am not feckin perfect I’m not..I like you me and everyone else. Are human error and flaws and I was judged on that.
When I took her for her and looked passed her disabilities and treated her like an actual person rather than someone in a wheelchair. But no she can’t do the same for me.
Knowing full well I have ptsd going though a adhd diagnosis and I have depression amongst the dyslexia.
She is the one that wanted to fill out one of these forms for me from the adhd diagnosis thing. So forgive me why I wanted you to communicate to see if you done it.
She expected me to know she was moving by not talking to me. Oh yea where the hell is that Crystal ball.
The same time she is telling me she does not want to accommodate anyones emotions etc. Well here we are..you wonder why I walked away here is you answer.
Knowing my ex ex treated me like this and held the cards. And said what goes . I’m not going to get caught up in that friendships wise..controlling and manipulating that situation.
So I made it easier for her. And ended it. I rather not have that kind of friendship. Because we all make mistakes right and I made one. And she makes out she never put a foot wrong. Yeah luv you carry on like that you will push everyone out of your life.
Me i don’t mind being on my own. I like it. I’m used to my own company.
Do I care if she reads this ..no and no I really don’t give a flying fuck.
I don’t care if she reads this , it was my decision to walk away from this. I’m not going to start blaming my asd and shit I am not.
I’m not going to blame how I worded the recent blog deleted. This is all me. And sometimes my friendships end like this. I hurt her via the blog so I rather not hurt her anymore and stay friends with her. She deserves better and thats not me. Don’t get me wrong it has been a great 3 years of friendships and I glad it lasted that long. But now me and her have to go our separate ways for the better.
I don’t want to form any new friendships i am exhausted and its mental energy. And I’m too tired. I just rather be on my own and stick with the 2 friends I do have. I’ve also not interacted with fb of late. I really can’t be bothered.
Its going to take me a while to heal over this. But I will get there. I’m mentally unpacking this and my way to get though this is block said person on every social media, erase photos everything. Its how I move on. And its what I do.
Can’t say I’m not hurting from this because i am. But its for the best.
I’m not perfect i am just me , a human being. I just going to be with myself and figure this mental unpacking I need to do. I want to mention she was never a bad friend she treated me right and understood me.
Ones not looking for sympathy or a pity party or nothing. It was all me.
Anyway I’ve said what I’ve said. Also I left it amicably. And said it was for the best and left her the 10th doctor and Donna noble thing.
I don’t know when I blog again. So see you around sometime.
Can I just say this is the only way i can express myself though poetry and word. Its the best way I can get it out.
I am a realist and I accept this , I deal with it , and its how fit, I battle with depression , its progression.
My times are dark, and sometimes it my trademark. Days in my head are an amusement park. But its not fun , I wish I had a gun. I can’t escape this battle and the demon thats lock in my head and on my mind. I decline and tell people nah I just be fine.
Days to where I am confined , I am only human and I fall behind. Less use of phase be kind. Some don’t stick to it. And use as an accessory . Mental health is not your handbag to throw about. Its not for likes or clout.
Quit messing about. If your locked in my mind and could see though my eyes , and the cries and the midnight skys. Mental health is stigmatized. There are no winners or first prize. Depression is about guise. We don’t show it , because we get criticised.
I am flaws and errors, with the depression comes ptsd terrors. A dip in the road , when your carrying a shit load. Having my brain is like morse code. Than up comes an episode. Like an elevator I shutdown. Than I come here and write down.